Thoughts About Decisions

I heard this during an interview with a former MMA fighter just before the biggest fight of his career, “What if everything i worked for and believed in was a lie?” - I’m paraphrasing here but I’m sure most people can relate.

What if? As a music maker, this hit me hard more so now than ever. What if it was all bullshit? I’m not talking about doing something you love. I’m talking about putting i so much time and effort into the thing you love doing and it’s just not going to happen. All “this” for nothing? Ya, I know it’s supposed to be the ride not the destination but as time marches on and financial pressures build seemingly to a head, I start to question every single decision I ever made since the 2nd grade. I see families being made, friends growing older and having the American Dream…I have to say I am older. My friends have already achieved these things as I’m still working to put it together. I had a life stall about 10 years ago when the bottom ripped out of the bag and I went into a homeless shelter. I discovered the love of music school and what that world had to offeer both mentally and spiritually. I wanted it. I got my love for music back and i’ve been working hard to make up for lost time. But…..what the hell if?

Life can be funny. I’m not laughing but “they” tell me life can be funny. As I press forward, my family life is not going smoothly. It’s a struggle. I know everyone has issues and everyone has their shit to contend with. I’m not saying, “Why me?!” I think I’m saying….what the actual fuck? This is one of the first times in my sobriety where I am questioning everything. Is this the path and if it is…is it worth it? Life…is this all there is?

I really don’t know where the hell I’m going with all this but I feel better putting it out on paper. Changes are coming and it scares the hell out of me. Is it massive ego that keeps pushing me and in turn hurting those I love due to selfishness of cashing after a dream? Is a dream being pushed by ego? I don’t know. This business is a ball smasher. that doesn’t bother me so much. It is what it is. Whatever. From where i came from, I feel if things came to this point from a place of no hope whatsoever, things have to keep pushing forward as long as I keep working hard. Well, if I keep doing what I am doing, I’ll lose everything.

…more later.